my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
