dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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