that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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