and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
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