omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
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