There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
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