now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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