Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
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