I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
my liver is dry heaving
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
