East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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