There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
