took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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