I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
All I want is dick and wine.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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