I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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