We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize