"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
