listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize