The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
You pole danced in your parka.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
