just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
