Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
