I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize