If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
