anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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