So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
