i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
