i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I lost the right to judge tonight
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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