I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
