dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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