Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
