singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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