Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
