My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
