One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
