I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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