So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
