You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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