Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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