I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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