My first STD was from a foam party
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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