Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
