Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
