New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
