So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
