I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
