Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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