Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Randomize