Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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