I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
