Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
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