Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
