Are we in a gay sports bar?
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
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