the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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