I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
