Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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