Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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