she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
