I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Randomize
