Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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