i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
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