Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
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