my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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